Everything is Funny
As Long As
It's Happening to Someone Else!*
Psychologist
It was our annual vacation in August and we were on our way to the shore. My sons were about fourteen and twelve and my daughter was about eight. In order to drive over the bridge into the shore, we had to pass through a tollbooth.
Just as the African American tollbooth teller handed my husband back his change, and at the moment we were starting to inch forward, my daughter laughed and shouted out to the man, “Hello, Mr. Brown!”
The rest
of us were horrified. There was nothing we could do. We had already moved
forward in the car. It felt as if we had committed a “hit and run”
assault.
Without question, we knew our daughter’s racial remark had been
politically incorrect!
In an almost
synchronized chant, we all said to her, “That wasn’t nice!”
She said, “What’s the problem? His name was written on his
nametag. It said, “Mr. Brown.”
Oops! Twittering and flustered, we looked at each other. How could we have misjudged our daughter/sister? Had we been too narrow-minded in not giving our usually respectful daughter the benefit of the doubt? Why had we even made an issue of it at all: What’s so appalling about a child’s merely observing the color of a person’s skin?
It was a lesson to all of us: Sometimes our sensitivity to people’s potential hurt and also our adherence to political correctness can make us miss the name tag for the man!
On the other hand, I guess it’s better to err on the side of sensitivity than take our chances of hurting others. We thought our daughter was making fun of someone for being different from her. She was merely telling us what she observed.
Frequently, people use those differences as a reason to poke fun at someone. More often, if many people have similar characteristics, that group may be stereotyped as all having those characteristics, resulting in a collective denial of the individual differences within that group.
Recently, in a local paper, a minister wrote a disparaging opinion letter complaining about the senior citizens in Florida who had experienced problems at the voting booth for the Bush-Gore election. He referred to “white-haired senior citizens . . .who were in a hurry to get to The Early Bird Special before the diner got crowded.” Later he said, they “manage to drive around in Lincoln Continentals without being tall enough to see out the windshield.” These are attempts at stereotypic humor depicting a group of people who happen to share the common feature of being old! What’s the difference between these words and other references such as “dark skinned people” who do this or that, or crippled people who fall down and make others laugh?
Regarding this whole Palm Beach County Crisis: I happened to be in West Palm Beach the day after the election. While visiting relatives there, I wanted to know what the protest was about. I talked to many residents, some of whom had gotten confused and voted incorrectly and other baffled folks who ultimately figured out the puzzle in the nick of time. As one man, (no not a “white-haired” one) in his twenties said, “When you see the ballot blown up on the TV screen, you think it’s so obvious, but when you are looking at small print, it’s hard.” This young man was grateful he hadn’t botched up his own ballot but then he added, “And if you’re a senior citizen, you might have some vision problems which would make it worse.” Well, hooray for one young person in Florida. He respects the elders of the world and accepts the inevitable physical changes of aging that don’t automatically imply old people are stupid!
On countless TV shows, including CNN’s The Spin Room, the hosts had a rollicking good time laughing at the old folks in West Palm Beach. Anything for a laugh, huh?
I like a good laugh, but I do not tolerate humor at anyone’s expense. You can endeavor to pay attention to political correctness and try hard not to misrepresent people of different races, but there’s a lot more to the promotion of diversity. I wrote to the newspaper and asked them to be more assiduous next time one of their opinionated writers refers to important people in our culture, be it fat people, short ones, smart folks, or some of us learning disabled types.
When I go out socially and people tell stereotypic jokes that put down a person or group, I walk out or change the subject. In that moment, I’m not about to cure the world by scolding people, but I refuse to be an accomplice to cruelty. If they hurt a particular person in the group by making fun of him or her and then assert, “I was only joking,” I stand up for the targeted person and honestly tell the others I’m turned off or uncomfortable. I ask the offenders to please refrain. When I’m further teased for not being a good sport or for stepping in where I don't belong, I merely state my principles again.
It Doesn’t Feel Good To Be The Butt Of A Joke
Remember a time when you were the butt of a joke, when you were laughed at for looking different, teased for being fat or pimply or not wearing the right clothes or for agreeing with an unpopular person. Better yet, think of a time when you were the teaser, the aggressor, or when you remained silent and went along with the crowd who was poking fun at someone. If you can’t think of a present day incident, look in your adolescent diary. Do you remember how you felt being the aggressor or the victim?
I’ve never observed the “buttee” of a joke to be having fun. Have you? I’m not referring to whether or not the victim was laughing. You can laugh out of tension and pain, not because something is funny.
What is Normal?
Try this: Write down 5 things you do that are normal and 5 things you do that are abnormal. Share your list with two other people and see if you agree on what’s normal or not.
Think about it: We shouldn’t be the ones to decide what’s right or wrong, in or out, sane or crazy. Here are some variations of normal as sung by Peter Alsop in his children’s song “No One’s Normal”** These are excerpts:
No one's normal, you know that!
Everyone's a little bats!
No one's normal, look and see
We're all a little craaa-zy!
Sarah clips her fingernails, n'saves them in a little box
Willie says he talks to whales, n'Alison wears plastic socks!
Hector likes bean curds and sardines, eats 'em when there's no one there
Susan sleeps out in the garden, Tony will not comb his hair
Megan burps from ginger ale, and Willow likes to suck on
soap
Franklin is a tattletale, and Rachel knows your horoscope
Jackie breathes with her mouth open, Sam's allergic to clean clothes
Donna wants to be the Pope, an' Sanford always picks his nose!
Angela acts rich and snooty, Phyllis is the teacher's pet
Boris always does his duty, Gretta screams when she gets wet
Barry built some giant speakers, now he doesn't hear too well
Olive sleeps in her old sneakers, she claims that her feet don't smell!
Most Jokes Come From Stereotyping Others
Jokes are
often masked forms of discrimination against people who are different,
hence, “abnormal!” There is no characteristic of any group
where people are all alike, yet ninety-five percent of jokes are put-downs
based on stereotyping. Racist jokes dehumanize humans by de-emphasizing
each person’s essence. When everyone is lumped into one category,
you don’t have to treat him or her as human. Racist jokes have that
dehumanizing function.
Some people might argue that joking around helps to lessen racism. If
that were the case, we would expect that all the kidding around over the
years would have worked already! Has discrimination lessened in our society?
Stereotypic jokes that put down groups of human beings are designed to
support prejudices. Others are drawn into agreement through laughter.
Why do I walk out of the room when I see this going on? Because if you
laugh, you are reinforcing what the joke is about. If you laugh, you perpetuate
the stereotypic thinking. You are acting as though the statements in the
joke are true. I refuse to be a party to “we’re-just-having-a-little-
fun-at-his-expense party.”
Do I hear some of you saying, “Lighten up, Phyliss. You sure know how to put a downer on a good time!” When I hear this, I feel lonely and estranged, but I’ve learned I’m better off being true to myself rather than feeling compelled to rationalize my behavior in order to feel part of the crowd.
Teasing is More Than Mere Entertainment For the Teaser
Annette Goodheart, author of LAUGHTER THERAPY: HOW TO LAUGH AT EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE THAT ISN’T FUNNY (California, Less Stress Press, 1994) says: “I define teasing as using, without permission, inside information about how someone feels; in other words, it’s emotional manipulation.” She says the misuse of inside information about a person is a form of emotional abuse and an attempt to control people and situations. The teasee is expected to laugh at the hurtful comments and if he or she doesn’t, the person is accused of being too sensitive. It’s hard to ward off the offender when you’re told, “Oh, I was just joking!”
As Linda Sones Feinberg, author of TEASING --INNOCENT FUN OR SADISTIC MALICE? (New Horizon Press), says: “Remember, it’s fun to kick someone off his high horse, but not if the person is going to break his neck.” Other suggestions she makes:
• Teasing plays off the truth. If teasing comments are actual truth, it’s not teasing. It’s insulting.
• Don’t tease about things that a person cannot or would not want to change. Don’t tease someone about their name, height, weight, or speech impediment. This is cruel.
• The safest thing to tease about is behavior. You can poke fun at a person’s hobbies or traits.
Defense Against the Dark Arts of Teasing
The teasee
(even if he or she is a child) sets the rules. If you are the teaser,
try to think about your objective: What are you trying to accomplish by
the teasing? When in doubt, check it out with the teasee. “Am I
out of bounds now? I don’t want to hurt your feelings. Please stop
me if I’ve gone too far.”
Author Regina Barreca offers a good comeback when people poke fun at you:
“I’ll forgive you for saying that if you forgive me for not
laughing.” When I have consulted in grade schools, I have taught
children to recite: “You don’t have to blow out my candle
to make yours glow brighter.”
Constructive and Healthy Humor
The goal is to develop a sense of humor that is broader and more inclusive, to strive for laughter through connection, where all parties feel closer to each other, as opposed to laughter through alienation where people feel isolated from each other because of their differences or because they are being lumped into a category which essentially denies them their own identity.
Appreciating Your Own and Other People’ Uniqueness
Peter Alsop sums it all up in one of the choruses of his song, “No One’s Normal:”
I love the special ways we are
So strange and different, so bizarre!
I'm glad there's no one else like me
Cause one's enough, don't you agree?
*The title is a quote by Will Rogers. This article originally appeared in Next Step Magazine, a diversity magazine designed to bring people together.
** Peter Alsop, "Pluggin' Away," Moose School Music (BMI), 1985, www.peteralsop.com.
RETURN TO PHYLISS SHANKEN'S PAGE